I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Randomize
