the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
