I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
