I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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