You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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