i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize