I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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