Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
