After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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