Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
