You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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