mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
