I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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