I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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