Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
