Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
