plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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