I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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