Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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