Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
don't judge my taste in strippers
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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