he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
