she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
