he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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