I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize