Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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