dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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