just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
