Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
