fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Too much gin, very little bucket
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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