I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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