Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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