I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
