I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
