ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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