I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
