how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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