She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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