i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
