How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
