you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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