i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
