I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Success! We fucked roommates!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
