You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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