You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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