He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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