What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
