This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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