I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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