Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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