I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
