the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
