I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
