i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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