Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
