For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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