Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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