Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize