Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
